6:47pm 
86
My Mood:
& 
I have not thought about killing myself in a long time. I have not had "those" thoughts since I took myself off the Singular. My doctor also upped one of my meds. I have grown so much since "the incident" in Jan. 2007. I love my doctor, he is the greatest! He is so easy to talk and relate to!
Why did I want to end my life? Well...I felt like I was the root of everyone's problem's. The finger was always pointed at me, the blame was always on me, it was always my fault, It was always what I had said, written or done, me, me,me...I had enough of being the whipping dog! I had enough of hearing "Jeauxdi said" or "You told so and so"...And the words had NEVER came out of my mouth! I just wanted it all to STOP! I wanted to stop! I had enough!
A person can only take so much. I had my own troubles I was dealing with and getting use to. Trying to get use to the fact that Lovie and I would never have our own child was enough to swallow without having to deal with "high school gossip drama"! My brain couldn't take anymore!
Yes it is very selfish of me to want to end my life, but I felt like a burden and embarrassment to my family. I felt like if I was no longer here they wouldn't have to hear all the crap any longer. I did care that it would hurt them, but I felt like I was hurting them anyway.
The changes we have made in our life are for the better. One thing that hurt was leaving the campground. We hated leaving our friends, but after visiting Saturday night I realized that I will never be that person again. We miss our friends terribly and will be back to see them soon.
I am a better woman...I will not let ANYONE bring me down...I will stand my ground when I NEED to... I will laugh in your face when you make a ass of yourself...I will let you know when you need to grow up...When I have nothing nice to say, I will say nothing at all...and I WILL pick MY battles and fight them MYSELF!
Like it or not I am who I am and I'm not going anywhere...
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